Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Men Prefer The Breast Over The Leg

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

Yes, when it comes to chicken men are particular about what part of the bird they prefer. Maybe you were thinking I was talking about the opposite sex. That is a whole different subject. Of course it deals with some of the same criteria. But for the sake of this little article we are dealing with that all important southern food staple, the chicken. Fried, grilled, barbecued, and or baked we men love our chicken, mostly because we love food.

For a vast majority of men, the plump, juicy, and succulent breast is our white meat of choice. That is not to say the thigh and the leg are not just as satisfying to us. But by in large men prefer the breast. And in this case the bigger the better. More meat for the eating. Sometimes we will stray from the comfort zone of the breast and partake in the leg or the wing, mostly at sports gatherings, but most assuredly we will return to the breast.

Really men are not hard to figure out. It is not rocket science. It has nothing to do with left brain, right brain decision making. Nor does it have anything to do with cognitive thinking or the sub-conscious. It is more about the call of the wild or maybe the taste buds. Place a big tender juicy succulent breast in front of us and were going to salivate. Granted there are a few men who prefer the thigh and or the leg over the breast. There is something to be said for that part of the anatomy, but the vast majority of men still want to wrap their teeth and gums around the breast. Let the juices run down our chin.

Dress it in barbecue sauce, Hawaiian glaze, or eleven herbs and spices. No matter the basting, men will eat away the covering and strip the meat to the bone. It is part of our DNA. Leave no chicken morsel uneaten. It is our part in keeping the food chain in order. God knows we do not get enough things right on a day to day basis. Just ask the ladies. But when it comes to taking care of our hunger and saluting the all mighty chicken, we are pretty good at that. Long live the bird.
So in conclusion, the breast ranks number one. Legs and thighs make pretty good eating but run a distant second. And the wing, well if you are going to hang out with the boys and watch a game, then the wing is king. Now for those of you who tuned in thinking this was a story dealt about something totally different, I apologize if this piece put you in a fowl mood. Ha-ha.

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Silly Yuppie, Trailers Are For Boats!

Saturday, February 14th, 2009

So, you bought a brand new shiny bike and you don’t want to get it dirty. You’ve decided that taking it to the rally at Sturgis by trailer should protect it. Get real! The whole idea of the Sturgis Bike rally is not just to meet people at the rally but the adventure and experience of the ride there. Maybe you don’t want to ride there because it might rain or your butt might get sore. Well, boo-hoo, what are you a big sissy? You’re supposed to get sore, you’re suppose to get wet, you’re suppose to get dirty; you’re a biker! Okay, if you’re over 75 and want to be with the guys one more time, you’re forgiven, otherwise buck up, spray some “Old Fart Spray” on those achy muscles and use the bike for what it was made, the freedom of the road.

You only need trailers for two things. The first is to haul a bike that no longer can function on its own. The second is the other kind of trailer, the one you haul BEHIND your bike. When you haul the bike, you miss the greatest part of the trip, the adventure, the experience, the fun, THE RIDE! You ride around the town as though you hit the road and manned it all the way there, you’re a poser. You’re the jogger that gets a ride to the destination and sprays himself with water to look like he jogged all the way. You’re a fake, a ruse, a poser, a biker wannabe.

So, what other excuse do you have to put that beautiful machine on a trailer? The weather might be too cold, too hot, or too rainy. You didn’t become a biker to be safe. You became a biker to work through that rebellious devil-may-care attitude you’ve had since your youth. You started biking to scratch that itch for the freedom of the open road with the wind in your face and bugs in your teeth. When did you become so… so civilized? Bikers don’t care about the weather. They love a good challenge. A sudden shower is only an invitation to find an out of the way bar and party for the rest of the night.

All right, Manly Man, maybe riding more than an hour is too tough for you. It’s just such a shame to waste that beautiful machine on a trailer. I’ll even bet you used your Volvo or 2 wheel drive Cadillac SUV to haul it, didn’t you? You may have even used your $150,000 RV with the microwave, digital TV, gaming system and Jacuzzi tub. Why look like you’re headed to Yosemite instead of Biker Rally?

Okay, I’ll quit picking, get there any way you want. The biggest part of the rally is the rally itself. But for those stalwart riders, a look at the other kind of trailer seems appropriate. The only trailers real bikers use when they travel, the ones that are pulled behind that 2 wheeler, not under it.

Today there are so many accessories for the avid riders. They range from your seat to your feet and your tailpipe to your head light. They encompass all things, from sunscreen for bikers named “Redneck Repellent” to trailers you haul behind the bike to either transport Fido or camp in. These types of trailers are completely acceptable to the real biker because a real biker wouldn’t go anywhere without their dog and, what the heck, you do need a place to sleep.

There’s a whole world of motorcycle trailers. They can look like coffins or Corvettes, they cover everything from a little extra packing space to providing a rustic home away from home. The campers come in a variety of sizes and prices, depending on the quality, size and the amount of amenities that you choose. The prices can be a little steep for the upper end ones, but if you travel a lot, they save you quite a bit of money and give you more sleeping arrangement flexibility. You no longer have to hear “We don’t have any rooms” or “That”ll be $125 with taxes and your discount”

When it comes to keeping the whole family together there’s nothing better than a trailer to haul the family pet. No one wants to leave Rover at home, or kenneled, while they’re out on an adventure traveling to a rally. After all, he’s family too. There’s nothing better than taking him along, and short of getting him his own motorcycle and teaching him to drive, these trailers are the ideal way to transport the family dog, or cat for that matter. Most riders claim the trailer doesn’t affect the way the bike handles and their pups love it, although many need a few short rides before they totally appreciate the ride and are convinced they’re not going to the vet.

So, if you’re thinking of using a trailer, make it the kind BEHIND your motorcycle, not under it. If your butt can’t take the trip, you really need to see about a new motorcycle, a new seat or, start working out with that tape “Buns of Steel” to get ready for the next season. You might think you need to haul your bike, but with a little ingenuity, you’ll be amazed at the real “Easy Rider” that lurks beneath your surface softness. For those of you that rent their bike, then trailer it, Oh My God, but that is another article!

The Time Rider,Time Rider(TRACLLP) is a company created by bikers for bikers offering motorcycle tours, a character with a story line and a product line called Shtuff For Bikers which have natural ingredients and crazy names. See the humorous product write ups at Time Rider Shtuff

The Evolution of Gift Giving and Collecting

Saturday, February 14th, 2009

I wonder how the ritual of giving gifts originated. It would have been a gradual thing. Perhaps it started when a caveman first gave the apple of his eye a choice piece of dinosaur haunch to win her favor. If he was successful, it would have caught on and spread like crazy. Then those who never got the really choice pieces of lizard would have tried it with whatever they did have. Pretty rocks or feathers maybe. It wouldn’t be long before competition broke out for the favors of the less ugly cavewomen and then obesity would be born from all those extra haunches.

Cavewomen would readily pick up on holding out for better offers. They would keep the prettier nod-edible gifts to flaunt before the other cavewomen, and collecting was born. As things progressed lizard meat would fall out of favor since once they got fat they were no longer the “apple” of anyones eye. Then the keepables like the pretty rocks and feathers would gain popularity and produce the first triumph of the nerds.

Cavenerds would start accumulating the prettier rocks and feathers and use them to barter for things that previously they had no hope of getting. They would trade them to the cavejocks for the choicest cuts of dinosaur and whatever services they may need such as protection from saber-toothed tigers, and boulder moving. The beginnings of commerce.

About the time we started counting time forwards instead of backwards, gift giving reached its most extreme when King Herod, having the hots for his stepdaughter, gave her the head of John the Baptist at a dinner party. Not much was eaten at that party after that. Head giving never again reached that extreme.

Masculinity went into a decline and by the 16th or 17th century the men were no longer giving up their pretty feathers, but started wearing them themselves. They really looked neat with their frilly blouses. The women of this period had to learn the art of gift giving to win the favors of the few men who were still willing to associate with women. With the advent of Joan of Arc women realized they didn’t really need men anyway except for their sperm. The men of that period recognizing the danger She presented to their increasingly effeminate selves, burned poor ‘ol Joan at the stake.

As we come to the 20th century, we find men giving each other gifts such as horse heads, roses, and a kiss on the cheek. None of which bode well for the recipient. Women wore their dresses right up to their nether regions trying to tempt men into propagating the species. They quite literally were giving everything they had. Pretty feathers had long since lost favor and from the 1940s to this day have been replaced with electronics such as mp3 players and cell phones. Today men and women no longer have contact with each other. They go on a date and sit next to each other and “text”. It all makes one wonder; Where are all these people coming from?

James is the owner of,currently 2 websites;
Ghillies and Stuff
Peggys Pretties

Dice Sports Games That Are Fun; the Pro Football Game.

Friday, February 13th, 2009

This is the next installment in a world of incredibly fun sports games played with dice. In the first installment I taught you how to play the college version of “Dice Football”. That was the simplest of all my dice sports games. Now it is time to start getting a little more complex. As, in all my dice football games you will need two dice, notebook paper and a pen or pencil.

You will recall that in the college version you got your box score set up so that you can begin the game and just take turns for four quarters. In the pro version the top team is always the home team and they always go first in the first and third quarters only. In the second and fourth quarters the visitor team goes first which allows the home team the advantage of “coming back” to win.

Both teams will only get three rolls of the two dice per quarter-instead of the five rolls per team in the college version. This discrepancy in rolls is due to the fact that it is much harder to score points in the pros than it is in college football. Oddly enough, it is also harder to shut out a pro team than a college team. That will be reflected in the field goal section below. You always allow the two teams to make their rolls (3) in the quarter all at once. In short, both teams roll two dice three times for each quarter of the game. Remember, the home team goes first in the first and third quarters only!

Just like in the college game scoring occurs when the two dice hit “doubles”. That is a touchdown and it’s worth six points. For the extra point you would roll two dice also-unlike the single one dice roll in college. If the dice roll results in “snake-eyes” (a pair of ones), the extra point is missed. Remember, you get three rolls of two dice per quarter per team.

Just as in the college game field goals can be attempted whenever one roll of dice results in a total of either a ten (4 & 6) or eleven (5 & 6). At that point you roll one dice to see if the field goal is good. When you attempt a field goal in the pro game and you roll a one, two, three, or four the field goal is good. Roll a five or six and that means you missed.

This is an example of how the pro game can break down. The home team rolls the dice two times before a pair of “fives” result…Touchdown! The home team rolls one dice and it results in a four…extra point is good-seven points total. The visitor then takes two rolls before rolling an eleven, which is a field goal attempt. He then rolls a two which means that the field goal is good. The total score at the end of the first quarter is home-7, visitors-3.

Neither team scores again until the fourth quarter. The visitor goes first and rolls once before rolling a ten. He rolls a six on his field goal attempt which means that he missed. Then he rolls doubles on his third and last toss and makes a successful extra point roll. His final score in the game is 10 points. Then the home team rolls three times and scores “doubles” on his last roll. He makes the extra point and wins the game with a final score of 14 to 10.

If the score ends in a tie just alternate one roll of two dice between the two teams until someone scores. In the next article I’ll teach you about handicapping the college and pro football dice games which allows you to play entire seasons and get “real-time” results. Till then, keep on rolling.

John DeJong is the creative designer for NotMeUSA. He’s been writing humorous advertisements for over 25 years. All the funny t-shirts, fun pill bottles, and gag spray bottles were created by him. You can see all his designs by visiting

Just A Bus Trip Or A Daytime Nightmare?

Friday, February 13th, 2009

I found myself having to catch a bus last week, the second week of the children’s school summer holiday. I was instructed to take my son to his Grandma’s house and with my wife having the car it left me with no choice but to do something that I hadn’t done for over twenty years - take the bus.

The 188 from Weymouth to Poole. I was to get on from the stop at the end of my road which wasn’t too far away from the town but a little too far to walk.

My son and I reached the stop ten minutes before aforementioned bus was due. Forty minutes later it still hadn’t turned up so I got on the number 92 which stated, Poole. On we jumped - I asked if he went all the way to Poole. No, he said, I don’t. Well it says “Poole” on the destination board, I stated. It says India on the tyres, he replied, but I’m buggered if I’m going there (Okay, the old ones are the best) - yes, of course I’m going to Poole.